Confessions of a Struggling Actor

Went for my check up today and got an all clear of sorts. I have to continue to be careful in my present state, but there's nothing to hold me back, apart from starting slowly, which I fully intend to do. The appointment was peculiar to me. The first thing I was shown was a piece of paper telling me that it was 'as they expected' - 'only' a pilonidal sinus and not cancer or anything worse. I have to say that if they'd said anything different, I would have been rocked to my bones. I wasn't warned of any other potential illnesses (and part of me can understand why it was not mentioned before) and though knowing that there's nothing else there is obviously comforting, it was still a shock to hear the big C be mentioned as a factor. Even before this news, I was already making plans for a healthier life. After benicassim, I'm giving up all sorts of bad habits and getting myself stronger, fitter and healthier than ever before - but the mere mention of complications has made me consider my own life and mortality in a way that I haven't since before secondary school. While I can almost hear the scoffing at such a statement, I've been told that I was deeply obsessed with the death of myself and others for a long while before my teens and so the 'drama' of it is somewhat diminished, but nonetheless real. It has, however, strengthened my resolve to make the most of now and grab the opportunities expected of me. I've even explained my life decisions to my mum, which is a big deal as she naturally worries for my well being and, after some contemplation, she's 100% behind me again. Being a long way from 'home', it's needed, especially as silence says more from a negative viewpoint than from a positive one. As i near the end of my first 'proper' illness, I'm re-assessing the importance of people and 'stuff' in my life. I am blessed with many great friends, who seek nothing but my company and friendship and wish me well, and for them I am incredibly grateful. The smallest gesture or message made in an hour of need means a significant amount and those, like the great Marky Mark, who do so without hesitation or question, are cherished deep in my heart. A great change is underway in me - one that I can't put into words that don't sound like the coming of a new era. Maybe it is as seismic a shift as that. My soul remains the same, but the practicalities of the world we (and more specifically I) inhabit have changed out of all recognition - and should I get further in my chosen profession, they shall change more and I must intrinsically change with them. To this end, this may be (though I don't swear it) the last of my blogs. It is not a reflection on anyone who reads it, but my counsel is now my own and those nearest to me. Fuck, I've never really known if anyone gives a shit or reads my meanderings or gets anything about me or what I'm saying, but I need to look after myself better and it's best done alone. There's a whole lot that I would love to have said or explained in more detail, but it's not for the public domain. Shit, I have actually laid (the bulk of) my soul bare here a few times and get nothing back, so what is the point? If anyone wants to know what's going on, those who have the ability can call me. Otherwise, may whatever God you worship go with you and may luck and happiness be among your best friends. Love and respect always, still, A Struggling Actor