Confessions of a Struggling Actor

The past few days have been bearable. I'm learning my new limits. The pain is present all the time now. As my body has become twisted due to the inability to get comfortable, my lower back muscles have clenched almost in a defence mechanism, resulting in the odd spasm and continual realignment and minor streching of my back and pelvic muscles. This is tough as I'm fighting my body's instincts, but it does not hurt my wound and keeps me in mind of my limits and my desire to get REALLY fit. This inactivity has had more physical than mental pain - I was expecting more of the mental side, though the visits and kindness of friends have alleviated any concerns and I've kept myself busy with things around the house and on the computer. I've been mainly saving and listening to music over the past three days or so. I have a stack of around 20 records that I listen to regularly, but I've now put over 3/4 of my entire cd collection on - I've not put all my Sinatra stuff on yet, which accounts for most of the remainder. I listened to stuff I had since Uni, some tunes that were massive when I first came down to London, more recent stuff out with the football lads or Mark and many odd memories - faces and names of people that haven't crossed my mind for years - that are awakened by a song. I don't know any other art form (apart from photography occasionally) that can almost bring the sensation of specific moments right back to me. I marvel at anyone that can make music of any kind and wish I could make the time to learn piano again. I've watched a few DVDs and some quality programmes thanks to digital - all of Band of Brothers (my current fixation - getting me through any feeling of pain when you see what the soldiers go through), Spaced, Shameless, plus the odd good film that's on. I think I still prefer watching films on TV rather than DVD or on digital as it makes you concentrate. You can't stop, rewind or pause when a film's on tv and therefore you concetrate on the story more. Hypocritically, I am grateful for the pause button when I have to shift my weight. Watching and analysing film acting is something I decided I didn't want to do, as it would then spoil the film for me, but now I realise that I'm doing it all the time - pinching little looks that I see actors use to keep in the memory bank should I have to face a similar moment in a show. With theatre, I'm even worse - I feel myself correctin the actor on his inflection and timing as I'm watching the play and therefore I can't fully enjoy it. Well, that's not strictly true - there are performances and writing that can transport you enough that you then invest in the character and forget the actor behind the role - but this is easier done on film as you are shown only one point of view and it is selected for you. On stage, you need everyone to be present in the moment on stage otherwise the energy diminishes and this is what takes our attention. Christ, you see what i mean about thinking time... I've been considering the various plans I'm going to have to make for the eventualities for the rest of the year - maybe going with one of the co-op agencies that have got in touch and looking at temp work and how to make money to sustain me; should that not happen, I then look into moving to the USA for pilot season at the start of next year and find out how much it will cost and what administration needs to happen and set up a timetable and, again, save, while suffering the Job until then and getting bits of work until then; a back up plan to either of these should any random factors enter my life that I can't do anything about, though this is furthest from my mind. I've been looking at where I am in my life for extended periods of time. I've always been a dreamer and had high personal ambitions and goals, but not until recently have I started to consider the other things that I want in my life. Acting is first, and will be until I feel that I'm at a level that I deserve to be at, if I do end up reaching that goal. Love has to be next - not that I'm making any 5 year plans or anything. I'm now happy to wait for it to happen. I can't manufacture love or that amazing adrenalin rush and the thumping of my heart if it's not there. I don't want practise with someone that I'm only going to let down. If love happens sooner rather than later all the better, but I don't feel the need to be 'with anyone', though I do miss kissing. Third is looking after myself - getting enough money to look after the bills and make sure I look after myself (health, fitness) and anything left over is not wasted - also meaning I'm not getting wasted. Benicassim is going to be a final hurrah to the fun I've had over the past 15 years and though I'm not going to become a hermit, I need to completely focus on trying to get some sort of break over the rest of the year and beyond. I had a little (and only a small drop in a lake-style little) exposure with MacBeth and some doors are opening to me. I need to choose the right door and not look back. I need to be pushing my career forward every moment I'm not in the office - I've got to graduate from 'I have two full time jobs' to 'I work full time and run my own business'. Scary and not much fun, but if I don't do it now I may well regret it. I know that I've spouted this kind of 'I need to do better' crap before, but this is the first time I've felt that it's the right time to actually do something. I was scared to go out on a limb as I hated having no money, but I know that I'm more resourceful these days and have eliminated lots of debt, so have a better chance out there with less money coming in. I also have genuine confidence in my talent and myself as a person for the first time where it doesn't feel forced. I'm becoming more comfortable expressing opinions to people I don't know very well and being able to articulate myself instead of being sheepish or trying to put on an act for them. I truly feel that I can achieve my dreams if I throw absolutely everything I have at it. I want to turn that small drop into the whole damn lake.