Confessions of a Struggling Actor

Wow...it's over...what a ride!

The past couple of weeks have been a continuation of the turning points I've been mentioning in previous posts.  To be short, the reunion reminded me that I can still be myself and not resort to a certain level of bullsh!t that others do.  there weren't many people there and some people didn't bother going.  Tom and a couple of others were there, so had a couple of drinks and caught up a little, but I was hoping to catch up with a few others that i'd not seen in a while.  Ach well...

The play continued to go from strength to strength and more influential crits praised me, though the agents i wrote to didn't bother coming in.  I'm going to send them all a letter with the crits in them to try to stir their interest.  A couple of co-ops are thinking about meeting me and though I don't think that's the route I'd like to go down, there's not harm at all in meeting them.  if still nothing's changed come the turn of the year, it may well be time to hit California for pilot season 2008.  I have a pact to do that, which would only get broken if something else takes off before then.

That's something I would have just dreamt about doing until around 18 months ago.  Now however, i feel that i'm finally living up to the kind praise that friends give me when they come in to see my shows.  It was a very decent production that people thought I shone in and that means a lot more than being the best in a crap play.  the fact that it sold out half the nights was also a boost to the confidence, though it meant that some pals couldn't get in to see me.

Confidence is (as I'm sure you can tell) at an all time high in all parts of my life.  I feel more comfortable in my skin and so in control it's unbelievable.  Even the bits I can't contol (boss, agents, back, women) are not nightmares or worries, but simply obstacles to overcome.  I also have confidence in my judgement - not just of what I think is good in an acting sense, but also about people.  If I think you're a true friend, I'll go that extra mile.  if not, I'll be pleasant and not seek you as an enemy.  If you let me down or betray my trust, goodbye.  I'm harder emotinoally now, yet I've also realised how sensitive I am to things like atmosphere and the projections people make of themsleves.  I've now got a pretty good lie detector, as i can tell by body language and tone of voice when they're full of it.  these are not people I want to hang around with - honesty has never got me further, but also never let me down.  I used to lie for various reasons - people's feelings, save any trouble, because I felt awkward - but no longer.  It's a great feeling.

I've also noticed that more people are seeking my counsel and give me respect.  Again, not just as an actor, but as a person.  Whether it's a by-product of being a little older (and wiser?  the jury's till out on that one...) I seem to be more attractive to people.  I know that I've put that down to my acting ability previously, but there's a respect in me as a person - and a good guy - that comes across to me.  Recognising that is pretty gratifying.  Don't think for a moment that i'm back to naive old ways, where everyone is wonderful and no-one is out for themselves.  I'm just taking people on face value and looking for the best.

Mind you, I was at a party on Saturday night, where a posh English kid - 19 if he was a day - tried to rile me into punching him as 'he wanted to be punched by a Scottish savage'.  much as i tried to convince him that i only looked savage and had no intention of meeting his request, he continued - taking the agression further and bringing people that he didn't know into it.  I told him how much i pitied his need to do this performance hre was putting on, wished him all the best and made my excuses and left.  I since heard that he started crying afterwards and left a grovelling note apologising if he's offended me.  If I'd punched him, it would have felt better momentarily (and i didn't rule it out at any time), but he needed to be humilitated and that's what he did to himself.  I still have my pride, dignity and morals all in one piece and he had none.

Anyhoo, I have a lot on my plate in the coming week as I'm booked for my procedure a week today.  i need to try to get the entire flat clean and convince the other guys to keep it that way so I can crawl around without covering my hands in discarded ash, slippages and water from the shower - do they not know what the curtain is for?  I also have to make a couple of phone calls to different ladies for different reasons, am doing a play reading tonight and going on a barge trip this weekend.  I also have to sort out my broadband connection as i'll need the internet to stop me from getting cabin fever.  I can always 'use it' for acting purposes...

Gareth came back from a trip to Africa and said he'd noticed a big change in me and I think that's truly what's occurred - there's been a few things in the past couple of months that have slotted into place and now I feel that it really is a new chapter.