Confessions of a Struggling Actor

My to do list is a mix of jobs done and postponements as I had some unexpected things happen over the past few days.

First of all, I got a call from Emma, a director I'd worked with a few years ago and who is also a pal of Gareth McChlery's.  She's doing a one act play for a competition and asked if i could do a couple of the minor parts.  With MacB on, I said it would be unlikely, but agreed to meet her as she sounded pretty stressed.  After seeing the script and the little (but enjoyable) bits I'd have to do, we then compared diaries to see if I could fit in enough rehearsal time.  It worked out and so, with the approval of the MacBeth director, I'm now going to be in two play within a month.  Must get some letters typed and out this week as the theatres should be good for getting agents in!!

After meeting her, I went up to Joe's to watch the Bravehearts lose to the "flithy, cheating, stinking Italians" (as Joe called them).  We had a couple of pints afterwards and talked about how good benicassim was going to be - not building it up at all, nooooo.  He also let me into a big secret that I'd better not let slip online, though it's nothing to be ashamed of.  I finished my course of antibiotics the next morning and called my doctor as I'd not heard from the hospital.  I had to go back in this morning to see her before she went on holiday so she could decide if I was an urgent case.  (As it turns out, it's looking better - not that it's easy to assess from my point of view - and I have an appointment with a consultant on Thursday at the hospital - please let it be lanced that day so I've not got it over the Easter hols!!)  Watched Wedding Belles on Ch4 and laughed my arse off.  Since starting MacBeth I'm finding my inate Scottishness flooding back.  I'm reading Billy Connolly's biography, which again makes me want to speak in the broadest accent possible.  I rehearsed the witches scene that night too and it went very well and again we finished early.  A few of us had a drink and I think second witch mught have a soft spot for me, though I actually like the look of 3rd witch more...but as Friday night showed, I am no judge of my own effect on women.

It had started fairly tamely - i took gareth mcchlery to see a production of 'Medea' in southwark - I knew the lead and she'd also adapted the script from the greek tragedy.  She was great, the others less so and the adaption was very very good.  I hate hanging around after shows to chat about that kind of thing and the bar was packed, so I made my excuses and left.  gaz and I had a pint and watched a bit of the cricket and talked about his upcoming trip to africa and the ongoing dream that is Noo Yawk.  I was aware that a lassie I knew was having birthday booze in the pub across the road and that Harry and the girl that was my only previous liasion of the year would also be there.  I wasn't intending staying long, but having not drunk a great deal in the previous week, after three pints I was pretty tiddly.  I ended up going back to the birthday girls flat with around 8 others and eventually found myself with liasion girl.  She sat me down and launched into a speech about fancying me but knowing that a relationship wouldn't work and her friends' attitudes towards me and that she was all cool with it.  Being a little pissed, I just listened and said that it was cool from my perspective and I agreed with her that it wouldn't work.  Not long afterwards, I decided I was going to head back and get some kip before doing a few tasks I had planned for Saturday.  She asked if she could come back with me as otherwise she'd be on the sofa.  I kind of knew what was going to happen but thought I could be strong if she started trying it on with me.

I am a weak, WEAK man...

We kind of awoke just after midday and lay there dozing til 4.  During the dozing period, she mentioned something about spending the day together, which I chose not to respond to.  We'd agreed that we wouldn't be good together the night before (though the physical side is lots of fun) and then she said that.  After she left, I felt like I couldn't do a thing that day and just ordered in a feast from Dominos.  I felt empty and soulless inside and realised what i wanted - that hardest of things - reciprocated love.  I do want someone to spend the day with after an evening like that, but only the right person.  I don't want sex that makes me feel guilty, so I'm swearing off it until I find someone that pushes more than the physical buttons.  (It's not as though I've been throwing it about so the loss shouldn't be too hard to take...)

The malaise continued through into Sunday morning, when all i could muster was reading more about the Big Yin.  It's a great tale and pretty inspiriing to a fellow Scot with minor delusions of grandeur.  It fair knocks it out of you...  Later that evening I met some of the people I worked with on the Terror play in November.  They couldn't be more different to the guys I was with on Friday night.  It got me thinking about the kind of people I'd been hanging about with during the social whirlwind that has been the first quarter (gulp! April already?!?!) of this year.  The Friday night crowd were boorish malcontents, interested in nothing of importance, a bunch of addicts and hasbeens (to quote the fratellis) and I had very little to say to them and they didn't make much effort with me.  On the other hand, the theatre types last night were talking about arty issues, goals, aspirations and world events.  I ended up talking about the environment, civil rights and the future of the theatre, while being allowed the space to talk without three people interrupting me.  I'm not saying that it was some sort of utopian dinner party, nor that I felt entirely comfortable (I always feel a bit of a thicko with these intelligent, posh types), but neither really group really fits with me.  I feel that it's one of those times where I'm once again assessing the importance and effect that some people have on my life - which dictates how much time I'd make for them.  I kind of think that many of these folk that flit in and out aren't really friends per se, but acquaintances that come and go in one's life that one doesn't need to hang on to.  (Forgive the posh use of 'one' but I'm writing in a hurry and can't think how else to put it...)  i've got plenty of pals that give me as much as I give them and I have precious little spare time to socialise at the mo, so will stick to those I know and love.

Sarah's down for a couple of weeks - she's finallly made the  move to return to London in the summer - and there should be a few people about over easter weekend.  If the hospital remove the pus-bag on my back, I'll be able to relax and have a great time with those that I really want to see.  Oh and shitloads of rehearals and gym visits, natch...