Not moving on
Another monumental waste of a week.
Again, I didn't get my room sorted, house cleaning done, computer sorted, bills paid - I'm wallowing in some sort of malaise that I can't shake. I have to get this all sorted this week as I'm starting MacBeth rehearsals from the 10th March - this Saturday, meaning I'm not getting to head home for My Grandma's birthday and missing taking in the Flying Pig show. Arse. I originally thought about just telling them that this was the case and getting on the plane, but thought it might be a little presumptuous, considering that I'd never worked with them before and it was the first rehearsal. So I let the director know my plans but said I understood if he insisted on my being there. He then threw it back to me, saying that most of the others (and all the principals) would be there. In the end, I made the right (but not the fun) decision to stay for the reading.
Through most of last week I did fuck all. Just sat staring at the telly and letting everything wash over me. I'm still so busy at work that I just want to crash when i get home. I want to do sod all and just chill, also without the frenchman wittering on at me about nothing. Our Homechoice TV is playing up so I have that to add to my ever-expanding to-do list.
The weekend was like many before it - a week's work of drinking and socialising into two nights. Friday i went to a football mate's engagement party in Chelsea. It was very nice, but generally pretty posh and I didn't fit in as easily as i'd hoped. (not that I'm posh in any way...) I then was about to head to hammersmith as Simon F had invited me to a party, but then he decided not to go, but invited me to his place instead. After buying a carry-out from the pub next door (brilliant local!) we sat down and chatted the night away talking about many things in the biz of show and some stuff we were going through in our lives. We were on illict substances, so it was around 5.45am when i took my leave.
I went home, stayed up for a while, then crashed out around 10. I was up again for football focus, but then crashed a second time as the football results were coming in. i awoke with a start as I realised that i had the poker night at Ads in Islington, so managed to get myself together and get down there a little late - not helped by a taxi driver that didn't know where he was going. The night was pleasant and chilled, with everyone getting into the game and having fun at some point. Mark won, so Ads and I are getting ready to play him for money next time. I ended up crashing over and getting a bus back the next morning. Football was cancelled and I was feeling a bit shit so decided to have a cheeky lunchtime bifter. Within an hour I was in bed sleeping again. I got up long enough to go to Tom and Mic's to help start puttign up some shelving, which was aborted due to the bolts being too short. I had a bite to eat with them and chatted away with harry and Angie, who were also there. I got home and, after MotD2, did the same as i did at lunchtime and the same result happened.
I awoke on Monday brighter than I'd been in a while. I'd abused my body so much that it had been forced to take the necessary sleep needed in the afternoons over the weekend and i felt more than ready to go to the radio interview that i was scheduled for that morning. Just as I got out of the shower, the call came in to cancel. After a day at work and losing 5s in the evening, I got stuck into the smoke again. Unfortunately, this meant that when i got up the next morning, I wasn't feeling so breezy for the rescheduled interview. I was fine on the outside, but the mind was wandering. I lapsed into waffle slightly when talking to the host of the show and missed a question at one point (though it wasn't fully obvious he was speaking to me) and that scared me. Thankfully it was over quickly after that, but I went back to work and felt paranoid that everyone could tell - my computer wouldn't work, so I was hanging around with nothing I could do, which made me even more nervous right the way through the day. I went home and watched the football with Denis and one of his mates and was pleased that i could share a j, rather than have it all to myself. last night, i had one jsut after I got in and managed to get my room in a certain organised untidiness, ready to make the most of the unintentional spare time this weekend.
I'm meeting my benicassim partners in crime tonight for a final plan on getting there and the set up of the week. I'm not staying out late and want to remain pretty sober to carry on with my spring clean (as it's now evolved into). Tomorrow night is home with Macb (as I have the read thru on Sat) and with mr muscle/mr sheen to get my envirnoment sorted out. I still have so many things to get done that I'm going to stay in and get some decent rest too.
I feel weak and pathetic at my inability to do (or ability to ignore) the most simple and everyday tasks. I feel frustrated that I need to have some sort of crutch to feel relaxed, whether smoking or drinking. I'm just lucky that MacB is coming up - acting is the only thing that would straighten me out. That and/or the right girl. That way I'd have something to care about. I don't really care about myself that much and have this depressing mentality when it comes to my future.
Still spring is here and things shall hopefully turn for the better...
