Confessions of a Struggling Actor

While things are a little better, I still can quite feel I'm wholly in control of my life.

I've started on the organisation side of things and am taking an outstanding day in lieu from work tomorrow.  I need to have a whole day where i blitz things and  get some things off my ever increasing to do list.  As it's payday as well, I can also sort out my budget.  I've been pretty good with cash, but the incessant social lifestyle I've been on has lead to a little more waste than i'd like.  Mind you I did pay out a grand for a computer and printer.

Our internet has been down and so I haven't had the opportunity to use my new toy yet.  My french flatmate has supposedly been calling them but to no avail, so I have to do it tomorrow as the account is in my name.  that and the rest of the flat stuff that as the longest serving resident I am the contact for.  I've recently thought about living on my own again.  I enjoyed it last time (despite the flat not being fit for human life) and then I embrace that sense of responsibility.  i don't get that as I assume that the others in the flat would help in some way.  Naive in the extreme...

My holiday to benicassim is now all booked and there is no going back - unless a sweet, paid acting role comes along.  I'm paying everything off on Friday and have booked my holiday time from work.  I have slightly more than I thought so am taking 4 days either side of the festival weekend and will enjoy myself to the extreme.  I'm partying with my Benicass-team this Saturday (and two separate birthday parties on Friday), but after that it's a total change of attitude.  I've booked up the rest of the time to devote myself to the only thing that can change my current outlook - Banquo.

The read thru for MacBeth was positive, though some of the accents need help - and I'm the only Scot in the cast.  Everyone seems fairly talented (though you can never tell that much from a reading) and all seem like good people.  I get my fitness programme next week and I really need to get into it.  I'm seeing the effects that my lifestyle has had on my body and I don't like it one bit.  Gym and swim will replace booze and smokes.  My body clock seems to have settled to getting up better in the mornings - this morning I was awake without alarms at 6.45, but went back to bed - and once I have tasks to do before I go to work, I'll be able to motivate myself to shift my arse.

After the read through I went to Andy's to catch up with him after his trip to India and see Will, who was across from Paris.  I managed not to drink too much and be home by 11.45, which is unheard of from my PoV.  Normally if I'm out near to home, I'll hang around until someone is falling asleep and then head back, but something in me made me behave.  Football was cancelled due to the pitch looking like it had been newly ploughed, but I met sue and Don afterwards for a couple of drinks while watching the end of the rugby.  Sue seems happier than I've seen her for ages and they make a fabulous couple.  Again, i went home for an early (for me) night and didn't drink too much.  I wanted to call and find out how the show went in Aberdeen, but I didn't think that (in my slightly depressed headstate at the time) I could really deal with the guilt, frustration and disappoinment that I would have felt hearing all the stories.

More annoyance came on Monday night when 3 people dropped out of the 5 a side team, causing us to cancel.  It jus tadded more fuel to the fire that burned in my head.  Nothing going right - is it karma from last year's annus mirablis?  I had nothing to take my mind off it and sat in a huff (with myself) and watched The Last Days of the Raj on Channel 4.  I went into my room between that ending and Film 2007 beginning and looked at the bombsite that lay before me.  I then decided to take Thursday off and get it all sorted out once and for all.  Once I'd made that decision, I felt much better and slept soundly that night.

Last night I went to the Rob Roy to watch the Dons game with Mark and some guys from football.  it was good to see Mark, but he doesn't watch football (and Aberdeen in particular) in the same way as I do.  Mark has a detachment that allows him to chat about other things before, during and after the match - whereas I can barely breathe and stop myself from swearing.  I rarely get as emotional as I do during a AFC game and some of my team mates that hadn't seen this side of me and were slightly taken aback.

We'll see how the next few days go and, if all goes to plan, I'll be full of the joys of spring next week.