Confessions of a Struggling Actor

Wednesday 5am - I struggled out of bed, had a shower and some apple juice and was having a smoke when the taxi arrived to set me on my way to India at 5.45.

6.30 - get woken by driver as we're at Heathrow.  i head to the Air India desk and hand over my booking reference.  I think I may be dreaming as I hear the words 'This ticket has been cancelled, sir.'  I pinch myself and realise that this is actually a real life nightmare.  just over three hours before my flight is due to leave and I might not be going...

7.15 - i locate the internet terminals and try to log in to my work email account to no success.  I try the number of the guy picking me up from the airport, but the number has been given wrongly to me.  I go back to the ticket desk and ask their advice and they suggest I call the travel agent.  i have a coffee and try to make sense of it all.

8am - I email my colleague Sophie with my predicament.  She won't be in until at least 8.30, which would still be cutting it fine to be able to get my flight.  i then text her to let her know how urgent the email is for when she gets in.

8.30 - Sophie calls, checks my emails and can see no updated ref number.  she gets a couple of numbers from our sstems and says she'll call the m to find out what's going on.  I head back to the ticket desk so i can get served as soon as I have the digits.  She gets back in touch to say that they thought it was the number that I had, but were going to double check.

9.15 - Sophie gives me a new ref number and the correct mobile number for the guy in Bangalore.  the ticket desk then tells me that the flights are different to the ones initially booked, but i take little notice of this.  he then tells me that the flight has been delayed for 3 hours.  Check in and try to find business lounge

10.30 - Find business lounge - stave off thoughts of piling into the complimentary whisky.  Read papers and try to stay awake.  look at ticket and realise that they've got me on different flight, so I don't get in at 11am as before, but 6.30pm.  Pissed off as this means I'll miss most of Mark's birthday celebrations

1.30pm - boarded flight to mumbai, screen doesn't work, good service, don't take advantage of free booze and try to kip

Thursday 3am local time - arrive at mumbai, escorted to lounge (alcohol free), snooze on and off before being woken for bangalore flight

7.30am - flight to bangalore (hour delayed) - no booze or food

8.30 - land in Bangalore, meet Reverend Kenneth Pinto (v. similar to jesse jackson in looks and attitude), given flowers, drive to hotel

10.30 - arrive at hotel, snooze for 45 mins, then shower, change, re-pack for leaving, get my stuuf together for work

12 noon - work, boredom, coffee, read documentation, meeting dignitaries (MPs, local council leaders, prominent local businessmen), give speech, receive Indian shawl and necklace thingy, press conference, pose for lots of photos and hand out over fifty business cards, feel a little like a celebrity, back to hotel

6.30pm - back to hotel, have pakora and coke, watch a bit of Friends (I think - this is when everything started to catch up with me)

7.30 - taken for dinner, hoping for my first authetic taste of india...get taken to an American steakhouse where the waiters are dressed as cowboys, feel as though I'm tripping slightly, but hold it together

9.30 - back to hotel to pick up bag, say goodbye to organising team who could not thank me enough, drive to airport

11 - dropped at airport by Rev Pinto, check in and wait for flight, start reading Acid House by Irvine Welsh

Friday 1.45am - flight to Mumbai (delayed by 45 mins), continue reading Acid House

2.45 - arrive in Mumbai, Indian geezer helps me source cigarettes/smoking area and i then tiredly over tip him, meaning that I paid £2 for fags, but the experience cost me another fiver, go to exec lounge, finish Acid House and try to kip

11am - wake up, shower, change, cup of tea, board flight (via Ahmedabad) for London

12.30pm - sitting on runway, ready to take off and we're told there is a technical problem that needs to be solved, start reading Birdsong by Sebastien Faulks

1.30 - technical problem fixed, but airport is closed for lunch...!!!??!!  Realise it's going to be touch and go as to making Mark's do at all, so text him

2.15 - flight takes off, still no booze, really getting into book

3.45 - land Ahmedabad, delayed by around half an hour

5pm - take off, food, booze, book - have a brief nap, but don't want to be too awake when I get back, hit the Glenfiddich and eventually finish Birdsong, which I would have cried at if I wasn't so knackered

9.45 - arrive Gatwick, get to my bag (the one before it had a lizard sitting on it looking at me with its beady eyes...), have a fag, get the tube home, arriving just before midnight.  This means I miss Mark's ceilidh, so I call and apologise.  Really rather fucked off and overtired.  Denis comes in and starts waffing so I take the only option possible to me - I smoke a j and drift off...