Hopes and fears
I've really had a mixed bag so far this week.
The sitcom reading went well. I now know I can do a passable dour Scots undertaker. Steve Coogan's production company (Baby Cow) were there as they are interested in selling it to BBC1. Some of us were chatting during a break and it would be great if at least a couple of us were to get a chance to audition or play roles in it, if indeed it comes off. Doing a script reading is fun, good for practise and you get to meet writers who may ask you back to read their latest masterpiece as well as other actors in the same position as you - and sometimes higher, but very rarely does it lead to anything concrete. I've been lucky to read some excellent scripts and play a great range of parts (from the Son of God to a grieving father to a rent boy) and it's only ever an evening or two, so it's a good thing to keep your hand in.
The play's back up and running again after the 'night off' on Monday. Only 3 turned up on Tuesday (but thank you, esp. to Feeg), but 20 or so turned up last night and am expecting the same tonight. It's strange performing it now and the bigger audiences mean I don't get a chance to chat to as many people afterwards. I felt like a dick last night going round, thanking people for coming, receiving great responses to the play and then having to move on to the next group of guys before they left. An actor friend of mine commented that if I couldn't handle doing that with my friends then I'd struggle in the 'real situations that you need to schmooze'. I agree that it's not what I'm good at, but I believe it's different in this case. Without my pals coming in, I would have no show and I really wanted to thank them and sit and have a beer with them. I'm more emotionally tied to this project than any other before. If it were a bunch of strangers, I'd have less trouble stalking around the bar, meeting people and I can put on my 'actor's act' and be luvvie to them if that's what they like.
I did get back last night and start to worry that this might be as good as it gets for me. That maybe I've not broken through and that, as much as people say that I'm good, I may not be good enough. Also, my face doesn't seem to sell. And I'm not getting the breaks - no press and the agent I was hoping to come in can't make it, though there's still a chance of a meeting with them. It's strange that I can be doing the best acting of my life and still be wracked with self doubt and apprehension. I guess that's what most actors are like and I try not to go down that road but it keeps dropping into my thoughts. At least these days I'm trying to shake off self pity and just make myself more determined that this won't be the peak of my career.
Still, tonight has a few people in who I trust to give me honest feedback (not that I don't trust everyone else or dismiss their opinions) so I may be crushed or elated tomorrow - we shall see...
