Confessions of a Struggling Actor

Monday didn't get much better, though I was notified of an audition for a student film the next day.  Bit of a boost after the agent's letter.  My shin held out (though now has an interesting yellow/purple effect on it) and we fought back from 3-0 down to level but then conceded a late goal to leave us gutted.  Most guys had to head off to get Valentine's day sorted, but myself and Matt went for a few pints (on him, thank God) and ended up discussing - and quite loquaciously yet elegantly - points of love, religion and culture.  I called it a night after he got a round of whiskies in.  No cigs though, which was pretty good for a couple of hours in the pub.  Home and pretty much straight to sleep, ignoring the following day's date.

Got up early so as to miss the postie and the silence that would accompany my Valentine's Day post.  I've never been a fan of this as a) it should be redundant as love should be shown every day and not just on one that makes Hallmark and Clintons very wealthy and b) I can't remember the last time I got one.  I gave up sending a couple of years ago after fruitless attempts to be subtle with ladies I liked.  Had the audition before work, so spent the day looking like a typical city boy.  Even though I may say so myself, I do look damn good in a suit.  Turned up feeling fresh and charming to be greeted by the director whose first words to me were,

"You look older than in your photo!"

I knew then that there was little to no chance of me getting the role.  I still went along with it, though it was a strange kind of audition - the camera seemed to be focussed behind the director's head while we were talking and was rarely on me.  Still, at least it was an chance of acting work.  As I wandered back to the Tube, I kept looking at my reflection in windows and cars.  How did that happen?  I used to be told I looked young for my age and within the past couple of months I seem to have suddenly overtaken myself.  Might not be a terrible thing casting-wise, but still shocked me.  Got into work and went to the Gents and saw the giant dark bags under my eyes.  Oof.  Typical rubbish day at work, with still no Vally Day messages or emails.  Don't know who I expected, but there was no love for Scotty to be seen.  Went home as Geir headed out for the opening night of his show and Murph headed out to his girlfriend.  I spend the most romantic night of the year with Arsenal and Liverpool and half a bottle of port for company.  Had a couple of cigs too, which made me feel no better.

Though sluggish, I faced Wednesday with vigour, thinking that things couldn't be worse than the day before.  I arranged to meet Laura and take advantage of the Orange 2-4-1 cinema deal at our local movie house.  Good - need to see films and inspire myself, I thought.  Got an email from the girl confirming lunch on Monday, which added to the fine feeling I had at the start of the day.  Was busy at work, but good busy for a change, though the chances of me going to Edinburgh with the one man show are slim thanks to the holiday leave I have left.  Not the greatest loss ,but had to send an email to the director who seems to put his eggs in my basket.  I realised it was pay day, so did a big shop to see me through the month and had a glass of wine with Laura before heading to see Brokeback Mountain.  I wanted to see it but not on a date and certainly not with another fella.  I have to say it blew my mind - but it didn't turn me.  What a beautifully shot and moving story about a true deep friendship (and the rest) between two men.  Heath Ledger was even better than the hype suggests and when the lights came up both Laura and I left stunned and, for a while, speechless.  The entire nature of love is thrown around in the film and was way more affecting than the 'gay cowboy story' that the film's been tagged with.  Only quibble was with the cinema itself as, during the quiet bits, we could hear the musical bits of 'Walk the Line' next door.  As they started kissing at one point, Johnny Cash's 'Ring of Fire' bled through the walls, eliciting a smirk from me, but no more.

After a quick beer to get us back talking and out of our trance-like state, we headed down the road.  Once in, I had a nicotine fix - I was going to put fag, but y'know.  I ruminated on the passion and pure love that I'd seen on the screen.  It didn't matter that it was two blokes, but I wondered if I'd ever have that real, true love.  Does that only exist in the movies?  Have I had my chance?  Should I be more bold and look for it more than wait for it?  I stubbed out my Malby Light and grumphed off to bed.

Woke up late this morning and seem to have been lagging behind the whole day.  Had an email waiting for me asking me to audition this afternoon, but did not have my contacts with me and wasn't dressed for the part.  Emailed them back asking if there was any chance I could reschedule.  No reply...  Went to the pub for a pint and pool at lunchtime to try and cheer myself up.  Hasn't helped.  Man, giving up the vices sure has an effect when you get back on them and this is only a few drinks and cigarettes.  I may go the way Mark has and completely clean myself out.  Perhaps that's the only way that I'll be bang on form all the time.

All these questions are doing my head in...