Confessions of a Struggling Actor

Man, that's gone quick...

I was still flying on the adrenaline rush from the audition in the morning and so Friday night whizzed by.  I managed to stay sober enough, even though that included meeting with Sue (who didn't get home til 4 it seems) and going to Harry's party.  I only hung about for an hour at most, but got kisses off 3 different girls and was lucky enough to be escorted home by a wonderful young lady, who I shall be looking up again.  There MUST be something in the air as I've never had this kind of attention for years.

After not very much sleep, we left at my place at 9am as I had an audition.  It went well enough (esp. considering the lack of sleep and having still had a fair few pints, albeit over a length of time) and then it was on to another short film, but this time shooting one in Croydon.  The lassie playing opposite me was a model or should be.  Not the most difficult job to flirt with someone as beautiful as that!!  I heard from Laura that she hadn't got the RC gig.  She asked for an early answer as she has another job lined up and will be jetting off to Prague to shoot an ad.  Not bad eh?!

I went into the Lion and Unicorn that night to see Geir's play and got even more chat, this time off an actress I worked with before.  The flirt-o-meter was working overtime!!  I put it down to getting the RC audition that must have translated to "success=sexy" or something.  After the play, I was dog-tired however, so went home and promptly fell asleep on the sofa.

No footy on Sunday, so had a chilled day watching football, playing Playstation and having a couple of tinnies and a couple of smokes.  My pal Al came round at night to read through his bit of the play (his aud was today) and then it was simply to bed and work and 5-a-side yesterday (another goal to earn us a draw - get in ya beauty) and then work again this morning.  No news from the RC, so I'm guessing (as I was all along) that I haven't got it.  I'm hoping to get some feedback from Mr Farquhar as to how I did and where I fell down to take on board for the next time.  As there will CERTAINLY be a next time...

I've been waiting all week until today and now I have to wait again.  If there's any chance I'll know soon, as they're doing recalls next week and starting rehearsals on the 6th!

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Twists and turns at every bend these days it seems.

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Christ, I wasn't a barrel of laughs over the start of this week, but what a difference a day makes.

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Monday didn't get much better, though I was notified of an audition for a student film the next day.  Bit of a boost after the agent's letter.  My shin held out (though now has an interesting yellow/purple effect on it) and we fought back from 3-0 down to level but then conceded a late goal to leave us gutted.  Most guys had to head off to get Valentine's day sorted, but myself and Matt went for a few pints (on him, thank God) and ended up discussing - and quite loquaciously yet elegantly - points of love, religion and culture.  I called it a night after he got a round of whiskies in.  No cigs though, which was pretty good for a couple of hours in the pub.  Home and pretty much straight to sleep, ignoring the following day's date.

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It feels like over a week since I left work on Friday.

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My body and immune system seems to be taking some time off.

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I don't think I have the post show blues yet...  I'm doing a decent job of keeping myself busy for now and not sitting around wondering what to do.

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Well, that's the play done now.  Am still totally exhausted and could have done with taking today off work, but have 5 a side after, so it was reason enough to come in.

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I've really had a mixed bag so far this week.

The sitcom reading went well.  I now know I can do a passable dour Scots undertaker.  Steve Coogan's production company (Baby Cow) were there as they are interested in selling it to BBC1. Some of us were chatting during a break and it would be great if at least a couple of us were to get a chance to audition or play roles in it, if indeed it comes off.  Doing a script reading is fun, good for practise and you get to meet writers who may ask you back to read their latest masterpiece as well as other actors in the same position as you - and sometimes higher, but very rarely does it lead to anything concrete.  I've been lucky to read some excellent scripts and play a great range of parts (from the Son of God to a grieving father to a rent boy) and it's only ever an evening or two, so it's a good thing to keep your hand in.

The play's back up and running again after the 'night off' on Monday.  Only 3 turned up on Tuesday (but thank you, esp. to Feeg), but 20 or so turned up last night and am expecting the same tonight.  It's strange performing it now and the bigger audiences mean I don't get a chance to chat to as many people afterwards.  I felt like a dick last night going round, thanking people for coming, receiving great responses to the play and then having to move on to the next group of guys before they left.  An actor friend of mine commented that if I couldn't handle doing that with my friends then I'd struggle in the 'real situations that you need to schmooze'.  I agree that it's not what I'm good at, but I believe it's different in this case.  Without my pals coming in, I would have no show and I really wanted to thank them and sit and have a beer with them.  I'm more emotionally tied to this project than any other before.  If it were a bunch of strangers, I'd have less trouble stalking around the bar, meeting people and I can put on my 'actor's act' and be luvvie to them if that's what they like.

I did get back last night and start to worry that this might be as good as it gets for me.  That maybe I've not broken through and that, as much as people say that I'm good, I may not be good enough.  Also, my face doesn't seem to sell.  And I'm not getting the breaks - no press and the agent I was hoping to come in can't make it, though there's still a chance of a meeting with them.  It's strange that I can be doing the best acting of my life and still be wracked with self doubt and apprehension.  I guess that's what most actors are like and I try not to go down that road but it keeps dropping into my thoughts.  At least these days I'm trying to shake off self pity and just make myself more determined that this won't be the peak of my career.

Still, tonight has a few people in who I trust to give me honest feedback (not that I don't trust everyone else or dismiss their opinions) so I may be crushed or elated tomorrow - we shall see...