Confessions of a Struggling Actor

I think I'm becoming slightly delirious.

The past couple of nights I've been up til 3/4am working on the script.  I've never felt pressure like this with any other show.  Even when I was cacking myself in my last student show when i played the doric loon I could still sleep properly.  I ended up having some cheap and nasty 'scotch whisky' (you know the kind) which, as well as making sure i was out for the count come bedtime, also helped with my lines.  If I can remember them drunk, then I sure as hell should have no problems sober.

What didn't help is the girl that I snogged at the weekend texting me and then turning up pretty much unannounced.  I told her that nothing was going to happen and she seemed OK but a little disappointed.  She's a pal of my flatmate Geir and she then turned up later with him.  She was pished and suggested staying in my bed.  It's not often I turn down the company of a lady (and less often that I even get a chance at it) but I didn't want to do anything I would regret or that would add to the confusion that already seems to be going on in her head.  I've done this a couple of times recently, even though I'm going through a kind of drought.  I seem to meet nice girls, snog them and then not sleep with them as I don't know them at all and don't want to get into uncharted waters with the chance of being shipwrecked.

It's kind of frustrating as I seem to be getting more female attention than ever before.  I seem to have a new found confidence (30 is a great age - don't shy from it, embrace it!!) and it's turning into coffees, 1-2-1 drinks and even lunches.  Now, some of these are obviously 'just friend' things, but there's so much flirting!  I just need to find the right one.  Am I picky? Yes.  Too picky? Maybe.  Am I missing out on something special?  As yet, I don't think so.  I know there are a couple of girls I really like, but want to see if there's anything reciprocal in the attraction.  I'm not going to put myself out there, but at the same time, don't want some other bloke to come along and sweep them off their feet and get the well worn line, 'If only I knew/If only you'd said...'.  This rates up there in the list of turn-downs with 'too good a friend', 'I think of you as a brother' and 'I fancy your mate'.

Still, hey-ho, the weekend's nearly here.  Out for a couple tonight - I think I deserve it - rehearsals, dinner and the laziest day I can get away with on Sunday.  Need to chill before what will be a giant week next week.