Confessions of a Struggling Actor

Went for my check up today and got an all clear of sorts. I have to continue to be careful in my present state, but there's nothing to hold me back, apart from starting slowly, which I fully intend to do. The appointment was peculiar to me. The first thing I was shown was a piece of paper telling me that it was 'as they expected' - 'only' a pilonidal sinus and not cancer or anything worse. I have to say that if they'd said anything different, I would have been rocked to my bones. I wasn't warned of any other potential illnesses (and part of me can understand why it was not mentioned before) and though knowing that there's nothing else there is obviously comforting, it was still a shock to hear the big C be mentioned as a factor. Even before this news, I was already making plans for a healthier life. After benicassim, I'm giving up all sorts of bad habits and getting myself stronger, fitter and healthier than ever before - but the mere mention of complications has made me consider my own life and mortality in a way that I haven't since before secondary school. While I can almost hear the scoffing at such a statement, I've been told that I was deeply obsessed with the death of myself and others for a long while before my teens and so the 'drama' of it is somewhat diminished, but nonetheless real. It has, however, strengthened my resolve to make the most of now and grab the opportunities expected of me. I've even explained my life decisions to my mum, which is a big deal as she naturally worries for my well being and, after some contemplation, she's 100% behind me again. Being a long way from 'home', it's needed, especially as silence says more from a negative viewpoint than from a positive one. As i near the end of my first 'proper' illness, I'm re-assessing the importance of people and 'stuff' in my life. I am blessed with many great friends, who seek nothing but my company and friendship and wish me well, and for them I am incredibly grateful. The smallest gesture or message made in an hour of need means a significant amount and those, like the great Marky Mark, who do so without hesitation or question, are cherished deep in my heart. A great change is underway in me - one that I can't put into words that don't sound like the coming of a new era. Maybe it is as seismic a shift as that. My soul remains the same, but the practicalities of the world we (and more specifically I) inhabit have changed out of all recognition - and should I get further in my chosen profession, they shall change more and I must intrinsically change with them. To this end, this may be (though I don't swear it) the last of my blogs. It is not a reflection on anyone who reads it, but my counsel is now my own and those nearest to me. Fuck, I've never really known if anyone gives a shit or reads my meanderings or gets anything about me or what I'm saying, but I need to look after myself better and it's best done alone. There's a whole lot that I would love to have said or explained in more detail, but it's not for the public domain. Shit, I have actually laid (the bulk of) my soul bare here a few times and get nothing back, so what is the point? If anyone wants to know what's going on, those who have the ability can call me. Otherwise, may whatever God you worship go with you and may luck and happiness be among your best friends. Love and respect always, still, A Struggling Actor

First, the back. Since I ran out of painkillers, the pain is more concentrated and I'm more aware of it all the time. I'm hoping things get better over the weekend, so that I can go into work next week and discuss my leaving my job. An agency is interested in representing me, but it's a co-op, which means I'll have to do time in the office either every week or every two weeks. I simply can't turn down this opportunity, as it's a leap in the right direction. There's the possibility of two shows at an excellent venue (that regularly gets industry types in) at the end of the year - working with two separate friends who I admire and really want to work with. It could be a good opportunity to get seen and also, perhaps, get a 'proper' agent out of it. With the US trip still in mind too, there's no harm that can come from this - except financially. I've got a proposal that might mean that I can stay with the same company, but work less hours, but doing low value tasks, while being able to contribute to the editorial side of the book more. This is my first preference as it would mean that I wouldn't go without work and still have a regular wage coming in - albeit at a severly reduced salary. Otherwise, it'll be back to temping for me - unless anyone has any other great ideas...answers on an email please... It's scary as hell to make the decision (and i'm not looking forward to trying to explain my thoughts to my Mum on the pone tomorrow) as I know it could blow up in my face. i just think that I'm on the best financial footing ever and can easily survive the rest of the year and should get enough work (acting or otherwise) to keep my rent, tax, bills covered. Ther is also the pervading feeling that if I don't do this now, I'll really regret it. I've discussed this at length with a few others and they feel that I must make this opportunity count if I want to get further in my chosen field. Othrwise, why am I in London and what have the last nearly 9 years been in aid of? I'm not at the level that will show me off best and I know my best work is to come. I need to make a pro-active decision before I get too old and have more ties. Why not now, while I'm confident in myself and my art? I've started making plans for what I need to do n that front this weekend - nothing strenuous due to my back but certainly there is a lot I can do while I'm not able to physically go anywhere or do anything. That and enjoying the pleasure of friends coming round. I had a couple of quiet days at the start of this week (which is when I started to really contemplate my future) but the past two days have been full of chat and laughs. As the painkillers are finished, I've allowed myself some alcohol, though not a vast amount. I've got a full house tonight and have visitors through the weekend, so am looking forward to it immensely. That and Glasto on the telly...

The past few days have been bearable. I'm learning my new limits. The pain is present all the time now. As my body has become twisted due to the inability to get comfortable, my lower back muscles have clenched almost in a defence mechanism, resulting in the odd spasm and continual realignment and minor streching of my back and pelvic muscles. This is tough as I'm fighting my body's instincts, but it does not hurt my wound and keeps me in mind of my limits and my desire to get REALLY fit. This inactivity has had more physical than mental pain - I was expecting more of the mental side, though the visits and kindness of friends have alleviated any concerns and I've kept myself busy with things around the house and on the computer. I've been mainly saving and listening to music over the past three days or so. I have a stack of around 20 records that I listen to regularly, but I've now put over 3/4 of my entire cd collection on - I've not put all my Sinatra stuff on yet, which accounts for most of the remainder. I listened to stuff I had since Uni, some tunes that were massive when I first came down to London, more recent stuff out with the football lads or Mark and many odd memories - faces and names of people that haven't crossed my mind for years - that are awakened by a song. I don't know any other art form (apart from photography occasionally) that can almost bring the sensation of specific moments right back to me. I marvel at anyone that can make music of any kind and wish I could make the time to learn piano again. I've watched a few DVDs and some quality programmes thanks to digital - all of Band of Brothers (my current fixation - getting me through any feeling of pain when you see what the soldiers go through), Spaced, Shameless, plus the odd good film that's on. I think I still prefer watching films on TV rather than DVD or on digital as it makes you concentrate. You can't stop, rewind or pause when a film's on tv and therefore you concetrate on the story more. Hypocritically, I am grateful for the pause button when I have to shift my weight. Watching and analysing film acting is something I decided I didn't want to do, as it would then spoil the film for me, but now I realise that I'm doing it all the time - pinching little looks that I see actors use to keep in the memory bank should I have to face a similar moment in a show. With theatre, I'm even worse - I feel myself correctin the actor on his inflection and timing as I'm watching the play and therefore I can't fully enjoy it. Well, that's not strictly true - there are performances and writing that can transport you enough that you then invest in the character and forget the actor behind the role - but this is easier done on film as you are shown only one point of view and it is selected for you. On stage, you need everyone to be present in the moment on stage otherwise the energy diminishes and this is what takes our attention. Christ, you see what i mean about thinking time... I've been considering the various plans I'm going to have to make for the eventualities for the rest of the year - maybe going with one of the co-op agencies that have got in touch and looking at temp work and how to make money to sustain me; should that not happen, I then look into moving to the USA for pilot season at the start of next year and find out how much it will cost and what administration needs to happen and set up a timetable and, again, save, while suffering the Job until then and getting bits of work until then; a back up plan to either of these should any random factors enter my life that I can't do anything about, though this is furthest from my mind. I've been looking at where I am in my life for extended periods of time. I've always been a dreamer and had high personal ambitions and goals, but not until recently have I started to consider the other things that I want in my life. Acting is first, and will be until I feel that I'm at a level that I deserve to be at, if I do end up reaching that goal. Love has to be next - not that I'm making any 5 year plans or anything. I'm now happy to wait for it to happen. I can't manufacture love or that amazing adrenalin rush and the thumping of my heart if it's not there. I don't want practise with someone that I'm only going to let down. If love happens sooner rather than later all the better, but I don't feel the need to be 'with anyone', though I do miss kissing. Third is looking after myself - getting enough money to look after the bills and make sure I look after myself (health, fitness) and anything left over is not wasted - also meaning I'm not getting wasted. Benicassim is going to be a final hurrah to the fun I've had over the past 15 years and though I'm not going to become a hermit, I need to completely focus on trying to get some sort of break over the rest of the year and beyond. I had a little (and only a small drop in a lake-style little) exposure with MacBeth and some doors are opening to me. I need to choose the right door and not look back. I need to be pushing my career forward every moment I'm not in the office - I've got to graduate from 'I have two full time jobs' to 'I work full time and run my own business'. Scary and not much fun, but if I don't do it now I may well regret it. I know that I've spouted this kind of 'I need to do better' crap before, but this is the first time I've felt that it's the right time to actually do something. I was scared to go out on a limb as I hated having no money, but I know that I'm more resourceful these days and have eliminated lots of debt, so have a better chance out there with less money coming in. I also have genuine confidence in my talent and myself as a person for the first time where it doesn't feel forced. I'm becoming more comfortable expressing opinions to people I don't know very well and being able to articulate myself instead of being sheepish or trying to put on an act for them. I truly feel that I can achieve my dreams if I throw absolutely everything I have at it. I want to turn that small drop into the whole damn lake.

It's not so bad...well, it hurts like hell but it could be worse. So far, it has been OK. The hospital was like a hotel trip and the people there were lovely. I was eerily calm about it, chatting away to all of the staff, rather than being scared. The op seemed to go well and though I would have enjoyed an extra bag of morphine, I couldn't have asked for any more. Being home has it's own difficulties: washing, going to the loo and getting comfortable for more than 5 mins is tough. not being able to sit is impossible - one side gets numb, so i have to move everything across to the other side until IT gets numb and then i have to lie on my stomach, which stops me doing everything. Playing my playstation is out as i can't really play properly and i get frustrated at my incapacity, I've watched a couple of films but it's not so much fun when you have no one to talk about it with afterwards and there's nothing that i desperately want to read. So I've listened to music and that has helped by relaxing me and allowing me to snooze when my body tells me to. Highlights so far: Watchin my live8 dvd at last, finding the whole of band of brothers on homechoice, denis donating herbal anaethetic in the evening. Unfortunately, denis is drivingme mental already - he has no conciousness and tramples over sheets and moves things from by my bed. I am a prisoner to his diatribes now and fear i may crack and stab him in the foot before long. He is away with work this weekend, so am happy that i will not be subjected to this minor torture for long. Ungrateful bugger that i am... Now I have internet access i can at least communicate with 'outside this room'. And upload all my music...

Well by this time tomorrow, I should have a hunk of my back missing.

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Wow...it's over...what a ride!

The past couple of weeks have been a continuation of the turning points I've been mentioning in previous posts.  To be short, the reunion reminded me that I can still be myself and not resort to a certain level of bullsh!t that others do.  there weren't many people there and some people didn't bother going.  Tom and a couple of others were there, so had a couple of drinks and caught up a little, but I was hoping to catch up with a few others that i'd not seen in a while.  Ach well...

The play continued to go from strength to strength and more influential crits praised me, though the agents i wrote to didn't bother coming in.  I'm going to send them all a letter with the crits in them to try to stir their interest.  A couple of co-ops are thinking about meeting me and though I don't think that's the route I'd like to go down, there's not harm at all in meeting them.  if still nothing's changed come the turn of the year, it may well be time to hit California for pilot season 2008.  I have a pact to do that, which would only get broken if something else takes off before then.

That's something I would have just dreamt about doing until around 18 months ago.  Now however, i feel that i'm finally living up to the kind praise that friends give me when they come in to see my shows.  It was a very decent production that people thought I shone in and that means a lot more than being the best in a crap play.  the fact that it sold out half the nights was also a boost to the confidence, though it meant that some pals couldn't get in to see me.

Confidence is (as I'm sure you can tell) at an all time high in all parts of my life.  I feel more comfortable in my skin and so in control it's unbelievable.  Even the bits I can't contol (boss, agents, back, women) are not nightmares or worries, but simply obstacles to overcome.  I also have confidence in my judgement - not just of what I think is good in an acting sense, but also about people.  If I think you're a true friend, I'll go that extra mile.  if not, I'll be pleasant and not seek you as an enemy.  If you let me down or betray my trust, goodbye.  I'm harder emotinoally now, yet I've also realised how sensitive I am to things like atmosphere and the projections people make of themsleves.  I've now got a pretty good lie detector, as i can tell by body language and tone of voice when they're full of it.  these are not people I want to hang around with - honesty has never got me further, but also never let me down.  I used to lie for various reasons - people's feelings, save any trouble, because I felt awkward - but no longer.  It's a great feeling.

I've also noticed that more people are seeking my counsel and give me respect.  Again, not just as an actor, but as a person.  Whether it's a by-product of being a little older (and wiser?  the jury's till out on that one...) I seem to be more attractive to people.  I know that I've put that down to my acting ability previously, but there's a respect in me as a person - and a good guy - that comes across to me.  Recognising that is pretty gratifying.  Don't think for a moment that i'm back to naive old ways, where everyone is wonderful and no-one is out for themselves.  I'm just taking people on face value and looking for the best.

Mind you, I was at a party on Saturday night, where a posh English kid - 19 if he was a day - tried to rile me into punching him as 'he wanted to be punched by a Scottish savage'.  much as i tried to convince him that i only looked savage and had no intention of meeting his request, he continued - taking the agression further and bringing people that he didn't know into it.  I told him how much i pitied his need to do this performance hre was putting on, wished him all the best and made my excuses and left.  I since heard that he started crying afterwards and left a grovelling note apologising if he's offended me.  If I'd punched him, it would have felt better momentarily (and i didn't rule it out at any time), but he needed to be humilitated and that's what he did to himself.  I still have my pride, dignity and morals all in one piece and he had none.

Anyhoo, I have a lot on my plate in the coming week as I'm booked for my procedure a week today.  i need to try to get the entire flat clean and convince the other guys to keep it that way so I can crawl around without covering my hands in discarded ash, slippages and water from the shower - do they not know what the curtain is for?  I also have to make a couple of phone calls to different ladies for different reasons, am doing a play reading tonight and going on a barge trip this weekend.  I also have to sort out my broadband connection as i'll need the internet to stop me from getting cabin fever.  I can always 'use it' for acting purposes...

Gareth came back from a trip to Africa and said he'd noticed a big change in me and I think that's truly what's occurred - there's been a few things in the past couple of months that have slotted into place and now I feel that it really is a new chapter.

Oh and Facebook is more addictive than crack (allegedly)...sod bebo and (to an extent) MySpace, facebook's where all the cool nerds hang out.

Well, it's been more and more MacBeth-ness for the past 9 days or so...

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I know I've not blogged for nearly three weeks, but it's down to two main factors:

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I've not had that much time to myself over the past week or so - and with good reasons.

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